Happy Crashgiving, folks!
CBC’s art-themed reality-television show came back for another episode Friday night, and we now have an established formula to reckon with: contestants face a messy, paint-related task in round one followed by a new-media (lightboxes, glowsticks) challenge in round two. In this episode, greeting-card maker Audra Ricketts, collage artist Jay Cabalu and performative painter Sarazen Brooks faced off in round one, where they were strapped into swinging harnesses and told to paint their interpretations of heaven onto a floor-mounted canvas. In round two, finalists Audra and Sarazen drilled through board to create lightbox images that reflected an “image of the world.” Sarazen reigned supreme, clinching the coveted prize palette with her work (a series of dots that vaguely reflected an outline of the continents, which somehow beat Audra’s text-based offering that spelled out “BEEF NOODLE SOUP”).
But, even with the established routine and a new set of contestants, Crash Gallery lacked an integral element of any successful reality-television program: guest judges. So we began looking for someone to join us, and in turn join the ranks of venerated guest-judge royals Khloe Kardashian (RuPaul’s Drag Race) and Sarah Jessica Parker (Work of Art). Enter Bridget Moser, a young artist herself and, more importantly, a true reality-television connoisseur (check out her Top Tabs for more recommendations.)
With Bridget, two of our editors—Caoimhe Morgan-Feir and Rosie Prata—checked in to decompress after the episode, pondering the show’s self-help vibe, Sarazen’s possible extraterrestrial origins and Crash Gallery‘s true function: offering a reflection of the existential hell of being alive.
Bridget Moser:
Hello, hello?
Caoimhe Morgan-Feir:
Hello, this is the Crash Gallery Institute.
BM:
Did you know this episode was called “Swinging from the ceiling and drilling for light”? I am still startled by this fact—I watched this on my TV where we’re not subjected to titles.
CMF:
Yes, I was trying to figure out if it was a reference to something?
BM:
I think they were looking for what everyone is looking for on Crash Gallery: something extremely literal that could be explained away as vaguely poetic if someone was put on the spot.
Rosie Prata:
I have a theory that the swinging from the ceiling challenge was inspired by that scene in The Big Lebowski where we’re introduced to Julianne Moore’s character, Maude.
CMF:
I think that’s generous. I’m leaning more towards a really art-historically illiterate reference, given that they mentioned Michelangelo.
BM:
Maude from The Big Lebowski is more what I was hoping for when Sarazen said she was a performative painter. Instead the whole thing was more of a really inept 1996-version Mission Impossible.
RP:
Sarazen is my favourite Crash Gallery personality yet. So many incredible quotes: “I want to do something that I really relate to and that I know how to paint: the universe,” and “I get my inspiration just from being myself.”
CMF:
I actually have to say, this was an incredibly attractive episode. It was like they rounded up all the good-looking contestants and really went for it.
BM:
Yeah, I think there was a lot to love about this episode.
RP:
There was a lot of sexual tension, for me at least.
BM:
50 Shades of Inexpensive Acrylic Paint.
RP:
I loved Jay’s honesty about being uncomfortable with the subject of heaven and his personal struggle with religion. Shit got real deep.
CMF:
Yes, Jay was robbed. His work was easily the best Crash Gallery product thus far: aesthetically decent, thoughtful and measured.
BM:
Yeah, and he had a very good embrace of the challenge. He seemed to get very physical and managed to fill that whole canvas in 30 minutes. He also didn’t resort to what he always does (collage), because he couldn’t.
RP:
Can we talk about the collages for a second? Jay said, “I try to make art that is relatable,” and then newspaper collages of Beyoncé flashed up on the screen. I was like, oh, yeah, when I think about Beyoncé, the first word that comes up for me is “relatable.”
BM:
Yeah it made sense, this is also my strategy in my work, and then I throw in a Rihanna song or whatever, I 100% understand where he’s coming from.
CMF:
But, before we go too deep, I would like to take a moment to metaphorically pour one out for I, Braineater. The show was less without him.
RP:
Sorely missed.
BM:
How can we imagine heaven without I, Braineater?
CMF:
I would like to rectify Crash Gallery’s grave mistake by sharing this scan of I, Braineater in the Winter 1984 issue of Canadian Art.
BM:
Caoimhe, doing the Lord’s work.
RP:
Always ahead of the trends!
BM:
Anyhow, nevertheless, Jay was eliminated for making the fatal Crash Gallery mistake of not being literal enough.
CMF:
Yes. This is an audience who likes a 1:1 breakdown.
RP:
Guys, I’m #teamsarazen. I thought Jay was super cute and I hope the hot back-massage guy bought him a drink. The only thing I liked about Audra was how she just basically drew a picture of Princess Mononoke. It really was Sarazen for me all the way. I liked how she somehow got a hold of a broom to try to fan her nebula dry, and I liked how she quit medical school to become an artist.
CMF:
Regarding Audra, her “spirit animal” was her old pet dog?
BM:
I think it would be fun to drop acid with Audra on one of the smaller islands of the West Coast.
CMF:
Unfortunately, though, it seemed like Audra’s first work had some kind of low-level appropriation going on.
BM:
Yes, it seemed possibly informed by New Agey-misappropriation.
CMF:
At least Audra was giving me a kind of…2005-era Jordana Brewster.
RP:
I have another favourite Sarazen moment: “I always think about the universe, and where we came from.” Is this true? Did we come from outer space? Did she? Is she…an alien?
BM:
I also liked that the highest stakes moment of this episode was when Sarazen’s drill got stuck. And then someone shouted, “Reverse it!” And then everything was fine.
CMF:
I know! As Sarazen glanced around helplessly I just thought…drills are generally made for going in and then out of things.
RP:
I think the general criterion for becoming a Crash Gallery participant is displaying an ineptitude for handling materials.
BM:
Yes, and a skillset that is somewhat creative but probably not entirely applicable to the challenge.
RP:
Like making greeting cards.
CMF:
And they must have zero quantitative skills so that they can be endlessly shocked when their paint runs out.
BM:
As Sean tells us: the show is about who has the most creativity under pressure.
RP:
Bless Sean for tying Sarazen’s work to Abstract Expressionism and Jackson Pollock. She had no idea what he was talking about.
BM:
Yeah I can’t imagine this show without him!
RP:
When he asked Sarazen: “Are you taking the challenge literally?”
BM:
And she replied, “A little bit abstract, a little bit realistic.”
CMF:
I also have to give Sean credit for the introduction, in which he tried to correct the totally off-base challenge, which was described as “literally flipping” Michelangelo’s project in the Sistine Chapel (he said Michelangelo “stood”). I do really need to underscore, though, that Michelangelo painted vertically from some scaffolding he built. And I would like to formally offer my services to the CBC as an art-history advisor.
BM:
I also loved the audience voter who was like, “Well, I’m a vegetarian and I wanted to see something that looked like a world map.”
CMF:
That was a very distinct voting Venn diagram.
BM:
What’s cool is they have no criteria upon which to base their decision.
RP:
Yeah, imagine walking into an exhibition of landscapes and thinking, Eh, I was more in the mood for portraits, so I don’t like it.
CMF:
That’s how I felt in the AGO’s landscape exhibition, to be honest. Lots of land. Comment card on the way out: needs more faces.
BM:
Or just a red smear of paint to indicate “the ROM.”
RP:
She definitely didn’t know what Earth looked like from above, so maybe she’s not an alien. The entire continent of Africa was missing, as was Greenland, Alaska, Argentina, all of Central America.
CMF:
I was deeply impressed with her Chile, though.
RP:
She made Earth, but missing all the countries that will eventually be swallowed back into the ocean, reaffirming my suspicions she’s an alien from the future. Or a witch, hence the broom.
BM:
What’s cool about this show is that I don’t actually care who wins.
CMF:
They’ve managed to strip winning of all of its allure.
BM:
Crash Gallery isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about the existential hell of being alive.
CMF:
Another point for Audra, in addition to her striking resemblance to Jordana Brewster, was that she was a real salesperson. She had no time for Sean, she was focused on getting her message out to the audience—she knew where the votes were coming from.
BM:
She also had a very solid pitch about food bringing people together. She just couldn’t predict that the finicky vegetarian/map-enthusiast faction wouldn’t be won over.
RP:
“In every culture, people eat beef noodle soup.” – audience member who has never heard of Hindus. Or Buddhists.
CMF:
That was a truly questionable factoid.
BM:
Maybe they were distracted by Audra’s “BE U concept.” B-S is more like it!!!!!!!!!
RP:
WOW. Mic. Dropped.
CMF:
Yes, lots of affirmations of self-love in Crash Gallery.
BM:
I did order vegetarian pho after watching this episode, I’m just realizing…
RP:
“If we stay true to ourselves and follow our passions, don’t you think the world will be more at peace?” = perhaps the most hollow sentence ever uttered? Who is responsible for pioneering this idea that if we all just drop out of medical school to make greeting cards and collages of Beyoncé, that world peace will just come about on its own?
CMF:
Art schools?
BM:
Rhonda Byrne.
Other final things I wonder about, is their palette budget really low, is that why they have to use both sides? I love that the prize is carrying a palette that’s wet on both sides home on the bus (or bike) (Vancouver).
CMF:
David tried to describe the palette as a “one-of-a-kind piece of democratic action art,” but I entirely agree. It’s budget.
BM:
WE CANNOT AFFORD ANOTHER CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT. THE CBC NEEDS PALETTES.
CMF:
Also, can we get the audience members some proper glassware?
BM:
But then they might drop it and it would…crash.
RP:
Hahaha. But wait, where does “Crash” come from? Does it refer to the Paul Haggis film?
BM:
Probably more likely than the Cronenberg film.
RP:
Or the Dave Matthews Band song?
CMF:
Most realistic: a whiteboard where a team of writers were coming up with a bunch of invigorating, action-oriented words.
RP:
My final pitch for Sarazen is her admission at the end that “You always have a little bit of doubt that everyone else is more talented than you.” I felt a lot of tenderness for her at that moment.
CMF:
Wise words.
BM:
Yeah true, that was very real. OK, I have to scoot. Thank you for having me as a guest judge!
RP:
To quote Sean: “Thanks for hanging out!”
BM:
“Someone buy Bridget a drink…she’s out of here.”
